Control Isn’t the Goal. Safety Is.
A letter to parents of anxious, rigid, or demand-avoidant children…
Dear parents,
If you’ve ever found yourself locked in what feels like a power struggle with your child —
if you’ve wondered why everything turns into a negotiation, a refusal, or an explosion —
I want to gently offer you a reframe that may change how you see what’s happening.
Your child doesn’t need more control.
They need more safety.
Control Is Often a Signal, Not the Problem
Many parents tell me they feel like their child is always trying to control things:
how something is done, when it happens, who does it, or whether it happens at all.
It’s exhausting. And it can feel personal.
But from a nervous system perspective, control is rarely about power.
It’s about protection.
When a child becomes rigid, demanding, oppositional, or highly reactive, what their nervous system is often saying is:
Something feels unsafe. I need to narrow the world to cope.
For neurodivergent children — especially autistic children and those with PDA profiles — perceived loss of autonomy can feel genuinely threatening. Once that threat response is activated, the parts of the brain responsible for flexibility, reasoning, and learning simply aren’t available.
This isn’t defiance.
It isn’t manipulation.
And it certainly isn’t a parenting failure.
It’s biology.
Why “Just Give Them More Choice” Often Falls Flat
Parents are often advised to reduce anxiety by offering more choice. And sometimes, that works — when the nervous system is already regulated.
But when a child is activated, even well-intended choices can feel like pressure:
Pick one. Decide. Choose.
To an anxious nervous system, that can still land as:
There’s an expectation. I could still get this wrong.
Choice can support safety, but it doesn’t create safety on its own.
Safety comes first.
Choice works best once safety is already there.
Safety Isn’t Created by Techniques — It’s Created by People
This is the part that can feel confronting, but also deeply relieving:
A child’s sense of safety is shaped less by what we say and more by how regulated we are.
Our tone.
Our pace.
Our urgency.
Our nervous system state.
Children read these things instantly — long before they process language.
This is why the same words can land gently one day and trigger a meltdown the next.
The difference isn’t the script.
It’s the state.
This doesn’t mean you have to be calm all the time.
It means that your regulation matters — and it’s part of the work.
Not because you’re doing something wrong,
but because regulated adults create regulated environments.
Three Simple Ways to Increase Safety (Starting Today)
If you’re wondering what to do with all of this, here are three small but powerful shifts that can help immediately:
1. Slow everything down
Lower your voice. Reduce words. Pause before responding.
Slowness tells the nervous system there is no emergency.
2. Reduce the demand before you explain it
If your child is escalating, soften or drop the expectation first.
Teaching, reasoning, and boundary-setting work after regulation returns — not during threat.
3. Replace pressure with presence
Sit nearby. Do the task yourself. Use humour or neutrality.
Parallel action often feels far safer than direct requests.
None of this is permissive parenting.
It’s nervous system–informed parenting.
Safety First. Then Everything Else.
When a child feels safer:
Control softens
Flexibility returns
Competency becomes possible again
This is why anxiety doesn’t respond well to force or escalation — and why it responds so powerfully to connection, calm leadership, and reduced pressure.
You don’t need to win the power struggle.
You don’t need to outlast the behaviour.
You don’t need to try harder.
You need to help the nervous system feel safe.
And from there, real change becomes possible.
With care,
Tanya