Helping Your Child Feel Competent - To Reduce Their Anxiety
“Many well-meaning adults assume resilience grows when we encourage more independence, push a little harder, or raise expectations once something looks manageable. Instead of confidence, the child feels more pressure. Instead of resilience, they feel more fear”
If you’ve ever watched your child give up before they’ve really begun, avoid things they actually want to do, or collapse into “I can’t” at the smallest hint of challenge — this piece is for you.
Many parents I work with are deeply concerned about resilience. They worry their child won’t cope with the world, won’t try, won’t persist, won’t believe in themselves. And often, the advice they receive — from well-meaning professionals, family, or society at large — sounds something like: they need to be pushed a bit more.
But for many anxious children — especially autistic and neurodivergent children — the issue isn’t a lack of effort or motivation. It’s something much quieter and more fragile: a deep fear of getting it wrong, of failing, of confirming the belief that they are not capable.
In the language of stress, this is called threat to ego.
It shows up as:
“I can’t do it.”
“It’s too hard.”
shutting down at the first sign of challenge
avoiding things they actually want to be able to do
These children don’t just struggle with tasks. They struggle with the belief that they are competent.
Why pushing doesn’t build resilience
Many well-meaning adults assume resilience grows when we encourage more independence, push a little harder, or raise expectations once something looks manageable.
But for a child whose nervous system is already bracing for failure, this can quietly increase threat to ego:
What if I can’t do it again?
What if I disappoint you?
What if this proves I really can’t cope?
Instead of confidence, the child feels more pressure. Instead of resilience, they feel more fear.
How competence actually develops
Competence isn’t built by raising the bar. It’s built by starting where the child is — and staying there long enough.
Helping a child feel competent is not a push. It’s a practice.
It looks like slowing down. It looks like noticing the struggle instead of rushing to the solution. It looks like allowing space for discomfort and resolution.
In relationship-based approaches like RDI, competence grows through shared experience, not instruction. Through moments where a child feels:
“I didn’t know how…”
“I got stuck…”
“I stayed with it…”
“And I got through.”
Not perfectly. Not independently. But successfully enough for their nervous system to register:
I can handle hard things.
Spotlighting the process, not the outcome
We often praise outcomes without realising what children need to hear.
Instead of:
“You did it!”
We can slow down and say:
“That part was tricky.”
“You weren’t sure what to do.”
“You kept going.”
“That took effort.”
This helps children notice their own capacity — not just whether they passed or failed.
What helps in practice
Lower the bar to the point of success — and stay there longer than feels necessary. Growth comes from repetition and safety, not constant progression.
Co-do before expecting independence. Shared experiences build confidence far more effectively than watching from the sidelines.
Slow transitions way down. Rushing increases threat to ego; slowing creates space for regulation and problem-solving.
Allow discomfort without rescuing — while staying emotionally present. Your calm presence is often what makes the struggle tolerable.
Avoid raising expectations during periods of stress. Anxiety, fatigue, and change all reduce capacity.
Supporting resilience through relationship
It can be hard to watch a child struggle without stepping in. It can be uncomfortable to move at their pace instead of the world’s.
But this is where real resilience grows.
Not from being pushed ahead. But from being supported through.
If your child avoids challenges or crumbles quickly, it doesn’t mean they need tougher expectations. It often means they need more experiences of safe struggle, held by a calm adult who believes in their capacity before they do.
Competence is not something we demand. It’s something we help our children discover — one slowed-down moment at a time.