When the Reaction Is Big, the Story Is Old
If you grew up being judged harshly, you might now feel hypersensitive to the judgment of other parents, teachers, or strangers. When your child behaves in a way that draws attention, it might light up that old story: “I’m not good enough. I’m failing. They’re thinking I’m a bad parent.”
We all expect our kids to have meltdowns. But what we don’t always expect, or recognize, is how often our own emotional storms can fuel the fire.
Sometimes our child’s behavior is tough because it’s objectively tough. But other times, what makes it feel unbearable isn’t just the noise, the defiance, or the chaos in front of us, it’s the old stories inside us. The ones we’ve carried since we were kids ourselves.
As the saying goes, “When the reaction is big, the story is old.”
The Storm Beneath the Storm
Not every parent reacts the same way to the same thing.
One parent might shrug off a child screaming “I hate you!” while another feels instantly wounded, flooded, or even enraged. That difference isn’t about the child—it’s about the history inside the parent.
If, as a child, you learned not to “bother” or “burden” your parents, you might now carry a deep-seated discomfort with being seen as inconvenient. That can show up when your child melts down in public—you feel embarrassed, apologetic, maybe even desperate to make it stop.
If you grew up being judged harshly, you might now feel hypersensitive to the judgment of other parents, teachers, or strangers. When your child behaves in a way that draws attention, it might light up that old story: “I’m not good enough. I’m failing. They’re thinking I’m a bad parent.”
Our nervous systems remember those early lessons about love, belonging, and safety—and they shape how we respond now, whether we want them to or not.
How Our Old Stories Show Up in Parenting
When we haven’t made sense of our own early experiences, we sometimes:
Overreact to our child’s emotions because they mirror ones we weren’t allowed to have.
Feel paralyzed or uncertain because we never had a model for repair or healthy conflict.
Avoid asking for help, because we were raised to be “low-maintenance.”
Jump to fix or control, because distress—ours or theirs—feels dangerous.
The problem isn’t that you have triggers. We all have triggers. The problem is when we operate from them without even realizing it.
From Reacting to Reflecting
When you notice yourself getting hijacked by a moment, instead of pushing through or shutting down, try being curious:
Why did that trigger me?
Which part of my younger self needed soothing right then?
Why did I step out of my ‘adult chair’ and into my child chair in that moment?
What do I need right now?
What did my younger self need back then?
This isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about understanding yourself. This process of reparenting your inner child gives you more space to stay grounded with your actual child.
Why This Work Matters
When we can accept, tolerate, and regulate our own big emotions, we show our kids something powerful: that feelings aren’t threats to be avoided, but experiences we can move through with awareness and care.
It’s not easy work. It’s not “quick tips” or “3 hacks for calmer mornings.” It’s slow, deep, and sometimes uncomfortable. But it’s also freeing, because when you shift the story inside you, you change the way you respond to your child’s storms.
And in doing so, you teach them that no matter how big the wave, it’s possible to ride it together.
If you and your partner want to get on the same page with this kind of deeper work, I offer couples sessions focused on parenting together through neurodivergence. You can book a session here.