When Everything Feels Like Too Much: What to Do During the Hardest Parenting Moments

When your child is in a meltdown, your body will almost certainly want to join them. You may feel the urge to snap, run away, shut down, or shut it down *hard.*

We’ve all had *that* moment.

The one where your child is screaming, the baby’s crying, the TV is too loud, someone’s thrown a toy, and your brain goes, *“I am about to launch myself into the sun.”*

If you’re human—and especially if you’re parenting an autistic child—those moments aren’t rare. They’re part of the deal. The big feelings, the sensory overload, the collision of competing needs. It’s chaos. And you’re not broken because it feels hard.

But what do you *do* in those moments?

Here’s a framework I come back to again and again. It’s not about perfection. It’s about practice. And it starts with you.

### **Step 1: You come first. Yes, really.**

I know—it feels counterintuitive. But the first step isn’t validating your child’s feelings.

The first step is checking in with **your own nervous system.**

When your child is in a meltdown, your body will almost certainly want to join them. You may feel the urge to snap, run away, shut down, or shut it down *hard.*

But here’s the truth: **you can’t co-regulate from a place of dysregulation.**

So take a breath. Put your feet on the ground. Say something to yourself like:

* “I am calm and present.”

* “If I am breathing, I am showing up.”

* “I don’t need to fix this—I just need to be here.”

That one pause can change everything.

### **Step 2: Turn the volume down. Literally.**

Look around. What’s adding to the chaos? What’s turning up the sensory dial?

* The TV? Off.

* Too many people in the room? Ask them to step out.

* Breakable or throwable objects? Gently remove them.

* Baby crying? (I mean… that one’s tricky. But if you can scoop them up and sway, great.)

Reducing the external stimulation helps *everyone’s* nervous system calm—yours and your child’s.

### **Step 3: Say less. Show more.**

You’re grounded. The space is calmer. Now comes the moment to connect—not lecture.

No strategies. No “let’s take deep breaths” (unless you’re just *doing* it).

You lead with your body language:

* Soft posture

* Relaxed jaw

* Gentle eye contact (or none)

* Open hands, slow movements

* Low voice, or even quiet humming

You may simply say, “I’m here.” Or nothing at all. You’re not performing calm—you’re *offering* it.

### **Step 4: When they’re ready, *then* validate.**

Once your child begins to show signs of connection—looking at you, softening, slowing—you can say:

* “That was so hard.”

* “You didn’t think that was fair.”

* “That felt like too much.”

Validation lands *after* regulation. If you offer it too early, it can feel like noise. But when it comes at the right time, it’s like a balm.

### **Final Thought: This is a practice.**

You won’t always get it right. I don’t. Nobody does.

But every time you come back to this—every time you pause instead of explode, breathe instead of bolt—you build that pathway in your brain *and* your child’s.

It starts with you.

And that’s not selfish—it’s skillful.

If you want to hear me talk this through (with more examples and fewer typed words), here’s the video version:

👉 https://youtu.be/jAVoWNuigCg

And as always, if you’re trying your best in the middle of a parenting tornado—I see you. You’re doing enough. You are enough.

Deep breath. You’ve got this.