Choosing Your Battles is Nervous System Work

Every request, expectation, or demand placed on a child requires nervous system energy. So does transitioning, tolerating discomfort, managing sensory input, navigating friendships, masking through the school day, and holding it together in public.

Parents are often told to “choose their battles,” but rarely are they told how to do that — or why it actually matters. For many families, especially those raising neurodivergent children, this advice can feel vague at best and guilt-inducing at worst. It can sound like lowering expectations, giving up, or letting things slide when they shouldn’t.

But when we look at parenting through a nervous system lens, choosing battles isn’t about permissiveness at all. It’s about capacity — both the child’s and the parent’s.

Every request, expectation, or demand placed on a child requires nervous system energy. So does transitioning, tolerating discomfort, managing sensory input, navigating friendships, masking through the school day, and holding it together in public. By the time many children get home, a significant portion of their capacity has already been used up.

When we add demands on top of an already depleted system, we often see what looks like refusal, defiance, or oppositional behaviour. But more often than not, what we’re seeing is a nervous system that has run out of resources.

This is especially true for autistic children, children with anxiety, ADHD, or PDA profiles, and children who are working incredibly hard just to meet the expectations of their day. Their behaviour is not a sign that expectations are too low — it’s a sign that the load is too high.

Choosing battles, then, becomes less about deciding what “matters” and more about deciding what the nervous system can afford right now.

One of the most common fears parents share is that if they don’t hold every boundary in every moment, their child won’t learn important skills or values. But learning doesn’t happen in a nervous system that is overwhelmed. When a child is flooded, stressed, or dysregulated, the parts of the brain responsible for reflection, flexibility, and skill-building simply aren’t accessible.

Letting something go in the moment doesn’t mean it never matters. It means recognising that timing matters. There is a difference between holding a value and forcing a moment. Sometimes the most effective way to support long-term growth is to step back in the short term.

For parents, this is often where burnout shows up. Many caregivers are trying to hold everything together — routines, chores, expectations, siblings’ needs — while running on very little support or recovery. Parental burnout isn’t a failure of resilience or effort. It’s what happens when demands exceed capacity for too long without relief.

When parents are burnt out, nervous systems are more reactive, patience is thinner, and everything feels harder. Choosing fewer battles can be as much about protecting the parent’s nervous system as it is about supporting the child’s.

A helpful shift can be moving away from the question, “Should I make this happen?” and toward something more nuanced, like, “What will this cost, and do we have the capacity to pay it right now?” Some demands are non-negotiable — safety, health, core values. Many others are flexible, especially when a child is already under strain.

Reducing unnecessary demands doesn’t mean there are no expectations. It means expectations are intentional. It means recognising that flexibility today often creates more capacity tomorrow. When families reduce pressure, many notice that anxiety decreases, conflict lessens, and connection strengthens. Over time, children often regain the ability to engage with the very things that previously felt impossible.

Choosing battles is not about giving up. It’s about working with the nervous system rather than against it. It’s about creating conditions where regulation can return, relationships can stabilise, and learning can actually take place.

When we choose battles thoughtfully, we’re not lowering the bar — we’re clearing the path.